Constitution Destroyed; New Version To Take Its Place

Earlier today, the United States Constitution was found in tatters in the Supreme Court of the United States. A worker in the Supreme Court said the sacred document constructed by the Founding Fathers had gone missing last Friday, coincidentally the same day the Court decided not to hear the Texas lawsuit. When asked where it had been located, the worker told us an eyewitness had found the shredded document on the floor under the desk of Chief Justice John Roberts.

Since this revelation, some have questioned how the Supreme Court can ever be trusted again. However, Chief Justice Roberts denies any culpability, instead claiming that President Trump is trying to frame him for this heinous crime. This has put to rest the fear that the highest Court in the land may be compromised, considering it is the only reasonable explanation. After all, President Trump is responsible for everything that goes wrong, but nothing that goes right.

In discussions as to what should be done about the now destroyed Constitution, Democrats have decided the best course of action would be to write up a new one, in which all rights afforded to Americans are taken from them in the name of protecting them from COVID-19. When asked if this was truly on the cards, President-Elect Kamala Harris said she would sign an Executive Order as soon as she was sworn into office to make it happen.

Under the New Constitution, anyone who protests for their rights will be arrested and imprisoned for the good of the country. It is, after all, to keep people safe. Except of course Black Lives Matter, pro-choice protestors, and Antifa. They will be allowed to continue their peaceful protests with no restrictions. It is also rumoured that under the New Constitution, Antifa will be called upon by the Government to keep the streets safe. They will of course be compensated for their work.

The New Constitution will be printed by Dominion Constitutions (no affiliation to Dominion Voting Systems).

In a completely unrelated story, there have been reports of sounds coming from the final resting places of the Founding Fathers, as if they were rolling in their graves.

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