Constitution Destroyed; New Version To Take Its Place

Earlier today, the United States Constitution was found in tatters in the Supreme Court of the United States. A worker in the Supreme Court said the sacred document constructed by the Founding Fathers had gone missing last Friday, coincidentally the same day the Court decided not to hear the Texas lawsuit. When asked where it had been located, the worker told us an eyewitness had found the shredded document on the floor under the desk of Chief Justice John Roberts.

Since this revelation, some have questioned how the Supreme Court can ever be trusted again. However, Chief Justice Roberts denies any culpability, instead claiming that President Trump is trying to frame him for this heinous crime. This has put to rest the fear that the highest Court in the land may be compromised, considering it is the only reasonable explanation. After all, President Trump is responsible for everything that goes wrong, but nothing that goes right.

In discussions as to what should be done about the now destroyed Constitution, Democrats have decided the best course of action would be to write up a new one, in which all rights afforded to Americans are taken from them in the name of protecting them from COVID-19. When asked if this was truly on the cards, President-Elect Kamala Harris said she would sign an Executive Order as soon as she was sworn into office to make it happen.

Under the New Constitution, anyone who protests for their rights will be arrested and imprisoned for the good of the country. It is, after all, to keep people safe. Except of course Black Lives Matter, pro-choice protestors, and Antifa. They will be allowed to continue their peaceful protests with no restrictions. It is also rumoured that under the New Constitution, Antifa will be called upon by the Government to keep the streets safe. They will of course be compensated for their work.

The New Constitution will be printed by Dominion Constitutions (no affiliation to Dominion Voting Systems).

In a completely unrelated story, there have been reports of sounds coming from the final resting places of the Founding Fathers, as if they were rolling in their graves.

Support For Dominion Rises

Dominion, the voting system company at the centre of claims of election fraud, have seen a surge in support in the last couple of weeks. A Dominion spokesperson said that, since the November election, the company has received thousands of calls requesting the software for “research purposes”. Allegedly, one of the callers sounded like attorney Sidney Powell, who has been investigating the claims of fraud over the past month.

The rise in support for Dominion mysteriously coincides with an increase in sales of lottery tickets. We tracked down one man, Ivan Money, who somehow managed to win the Jackpot Prize three weeks running. When questioned about his luck, Ivan said he just had a lucky charm which seemed to work a treat. When we asked to see his lucky charm, Ivan led us into a room filled with Democrat Party memorabilia, including a framed picture of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris above the mantlepiece.

Ivan directed us to the centre of the room, where he kept the source of his luck, a Voting Machine. When we asked him where he got it, he told us a friend who had worked as an election official in Georgia had dropped it in and asked him to mind it. We completely believed him, because why would we have any reason not to?

After all, The New York Times, The Washington Post, CNN, and MSNBC told us there is no evidence of widespread election fraud, and they would never lie to the people. They only report the facts, and we must not question their authority. If they say there is no fraud, there is no fraud, and we must believe that wholeheartedly. After all, we would not want to have independent thought. That is a terrible affliction.

Republicans To Target New Demographic

After seeing the impact they had on the election, Republicans have decided to henceforth target dead people in their campaigns. This demographic appeared to be a problem for President Trump, who failed to hold rallies at cemeteries to garner their votes. Joe Biden was able to secure the votes of the dead by dedicating the better part of his campaign to meeting them six feet underground.

Republicans know it will be a challenge to bring these voters over to their side, given the demographic typically votes Democrat (in fact, it probably says a lot about the Democrat Party that all the dead vote for them). However, they are willing to give it a go, and will include cemeteries on their campaign tours from now on.

Meanwhile, Joe Biden has thanked these voters, promising to reward them by imposing a death tax so that they can feel included in his America. He also extended his gratitude to many of them for attending his rallies. Obviously, they were unable to be seen by the general public given they attended as ghosts.

These voters have been hailed as true patriots by Democrats and the media alike, who have praised their efforts to rise from the grave to undertake their civic duty to vote. The Democrats have accused President Trump and his team of attempting to disenfranchise these voters by having their ballots disqualified.

Interestingly, all of them voted by mail.